Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.
Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?
Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.
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10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Just checked my bank account. Looks like everyone’s getting a hug for Christmas.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song