Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.

I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”

Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”

The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.

Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?

*being mugged*

me: “im warning you, i know karate”

mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.

Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.

If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all

Date: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a script editor.

Me: Are you any good?

Me: No.

whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.

BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

[Spills wine]

“My medicine!!”

Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.

My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔

My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready

Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!

Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.

⚠️ Important Reminder:

It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me

Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy

What’s a Messi?

Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.