Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
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Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
🙄😏😂🤣
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
All set.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.