Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
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my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
the best thing i’ve ever made
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.