Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
You Might Also Like
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.