Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

It’s not you, it’s me.

-Twins looking through old photographs.

It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”

So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯

*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.

This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

Boom! Zing! This is free content!

Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to

My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

“They’re gray with gray stripes”

– me warning my dog about skunks

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

Pro Tip:

If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early

astronaut: moon’s haunted

nasa employee: what?

astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted

Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.

My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.

Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.

I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots

“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.

me: how did he die?

him: he was attacked by a gang of geese

me: gaggle?

him: no I think it was a stabbing

My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.

It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”

If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.

Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…

when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.

now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks

me: you died in poverty

clone of nikola tesla: damn

me: but now the world recognizes your genius

tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it

me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?