Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being

The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed

The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.

Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”

There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf

My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave

My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.

The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

Sexting:

Him: What do you like in the bedroom?

Me: Sleeping.

Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?

Me: Close the door on your way out.

Him: No, I meant…

Me: Also lock the door.

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?

I’m that

Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”

I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now

My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison

I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year

Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl

[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Witness: I do.

Me: How do I look in these pants?

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.

Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair

[arriving in hell]

devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*

me: *starts eating*

devil: wait, how?

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie