Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one:

My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock

Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt

– first person to cook a potato

That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.

If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.

Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.

Scavenger Hunt Party

Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?

A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭

Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

Day 2 without sports:

Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.

You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”

——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex

Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..

We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do