Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize

me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.

me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew

I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.

“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.

termite twitter scares me

I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦

No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.

I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.

“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”

-Families making Christmas plans in 2020

I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.

“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.

The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

wait.

Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?

When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.

Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.

Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.

Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.

Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit

next time i open up to someone is during surgery

Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!

Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!

Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind

Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off

Him: Why are you going in circles???

Me: I’m buffering!!!

I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what