Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
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when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
This seems like peak sibling energy
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
