Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
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Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
OKAY DAD
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project