Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
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Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
me adding lol on a serious message
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.