Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
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This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
The Assassin.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic