Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”

Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?

Me: Mad devil

Therapist: You have to stop

Me: Crying cat

Therapist: No

Me:

Therapist: Very good

Me: Dancing lady

I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS

What’s your favorite position?

Me: sleeping

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.

Dear microwave companies,

Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?

Sincerely,
Everyone

if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

8: [gives dog good morning kisses]

wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!

8: the dog’s cute

me: everybody run

Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.

Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers

A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.

A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.

I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms

My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.

Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?

Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you

imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes

What a shocker.

I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.

Act now and we will double your order of crap!

Infomercials

Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.

My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.

I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”

They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.

*Husband buys me flowers*

Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.

Him: But you keep buying the cat food.

*in the car*

7yo: I can count to 100,000

5yo: oh yeah, then do it

me: no