Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

friend: what r u up to

me: eating 3 pounds of pasta

friend: what r u training for

me: eating 5

Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included

[blind date]

HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets

ME: Oh wow, me too!

HER: Really?

ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?

Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work

ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]

Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.

My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method

No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?

My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank

ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?

BOSS: Well, yes.

ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?

When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch

If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.

By Kate Hatos

Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.

The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.

(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school

The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person

[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?

If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way

Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing

“We could do that, or…”

Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.

You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?

Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs