Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time

[ speed dating ]

Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.

Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

It’s an epidemic…

Oddly specific

ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.

TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.

KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong

Rambo Rambow

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

[dinner party]

GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?

RICH GUY: I race horses for a living

ME: Do you ever beat them?

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her

The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.

the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes

THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…

ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”

Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”

If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”

God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game

Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.

[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY

Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.

If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you

Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?

Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.

You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.