Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
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haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Women: When
are you leaving?Men: In the morning.
W: Yeah but what time.
M: Morningtime.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”