Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages

If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.

sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa

Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.

Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids

Wife: When?

Me: Between 2 and 5

Wife: Ok

Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6

[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*

She: “I am expecting…”

Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”

She: “…someone at 3.”

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.

The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.

Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105

– Fancy restaurants

📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty

I wish I could veto my bills.

Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.

[date]

me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*

her: nice weather

me: thanks

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude

My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.

Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?

Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?

You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?

*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.

Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?

Hitler

has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet

A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants

ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?

DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*

ME:

DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back