Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am

Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who’s also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

Guys: I’m educated about female issues.

Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?

[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet

Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.

{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.

Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!

Bird 2: It’s incredible!!

Bird: imma stand in the road

Bird 2: Me too

I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.

My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO

Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there

“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg

It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.

Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me

How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?

I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?

I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.

Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.

If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will

My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back

I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit

I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.

I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.

If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.

Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)