Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
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Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
every time I roll over in the middle of the night
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
excuse me
