ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
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Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.