ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
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Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
I love it all
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.