Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”

It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.

me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.

stranger: is this snake poisonous?

us: nah fam,

stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*

us: it’s venomous tho

Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”

Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.

I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.

If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows

Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself

My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.

The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.

when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however

I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.

I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.

*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?

everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole

Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat

Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me

We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.

medusa but her hair is an anaconda

Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]

Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun

I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.

I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour

Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.

Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.

What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes