Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist

me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.

Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.

My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.

My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help

“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves

My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk

If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.

Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?

Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.

Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*

[hours later]

Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL

My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?

therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that

The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

People say “Home is where the heart is”.

Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.

Idiots.

“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted

This toilet won’t flush!!

Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.

This could be us… but you playing

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.

2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive

Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life

News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”

Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”