Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.

4yo: fold me like a towel

Me: what?

4yo: FOLD ME

Me: okaaay

4yo: stack me on top of the towels

Me: what?

4yo: STACK ME

Parenthood is wild

My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.

My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.

My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.

A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.

If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.

Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.

I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”

After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.

“oh, i didn’t expect to see you here” i say to the work i left for myself to complete after the holidays

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*

priest: don’t undress the deceased

BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.

[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok

Her: so, are you seeing anyone?

Me: nope, it’s just the voices.

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river

What flavor cupcake are these

I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.

HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually

I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.

Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die

#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please

Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”