Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues

My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.

I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.

The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.

MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.

My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.

Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday

Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.

i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.

shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years

Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?

God:

Unicorn:

God: technically that’s a tooth.

Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.

“LOL, NOPE”

-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon

Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.

Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong

Car sputters as it runs out of gas

Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?

Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”

Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism

Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.

I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope

I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights

Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.

GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son

GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..

[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back