Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK

<thud>

*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining

My 10yo: but not pouring

Me: and the old man is not snoring

6yo:

10yo:

Me:

6yo: YOU’RE an old man

Me: 😑

i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.

As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.

She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?

My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.

One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.

[bank]

me: this is a stick up!

bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around

me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed

bank teller: lol first time?

me: is it that obvious?

bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie

Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*

Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.

Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.

At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.

People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.

15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘

15: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.

I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist

When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.

[hotel]

me: do you offer turndown service

concierge: sorry no

me: thank you

[First date]

Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?

Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!

my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat

Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked

You got this…

Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

The Golden Globe goes to…

Burrito

… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.