Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
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“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Help
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
😆this is so true
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that