ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
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Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
linkedin the good parts
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Gods work.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.