ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
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[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Saturday
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again