Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?

-my kid who is about to get us burglarized

Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.

Me: but I’m infested.

Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.

alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help

me: we got our own problems

M: what’s this about, 007?

James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am

M: are you sure?

JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him

M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?

pigeon: coo

M: my god man, you’re right!

Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.

My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.

Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

How to sex:

Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke

those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat

A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother

million dollar idea: worm dehorser

True

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.

I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.

Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.

ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.

My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever

This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh

vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes

I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”

ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?

GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda

every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”

I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…

[another scientist who worked on the project] me too