Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I made a model of the himalayas

friend: did you build them to scale?

me: no, just to look at

friend: what

How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?

My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.

“Do you want seconds?”

“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”

Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: can I give some feedback?

me: what did I just say

If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]

Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.

4yo: fold me like a towel

Me: what?

4yo: FOLD ME

Me: okaaay

4yo: stack me on top of the towels

Me: what?

4yo: STACK ME

Parenthood is wild

We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old

I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.

A great first step 😂

I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.

Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)

Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”

Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.

#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.

How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?