My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
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It’s called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Paranoid? I don’t even know what that word means. I don’t have time to learn new words, people are trying to kill me.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
“Change is never easy…”
Some guy commented on my all-black outfit today: “So whose funeral is it?”
I told him I haven decided yet.