@CAshmanActor

me: I’ll take this goth pear

cashier: that’s an avocado

You Might Also Like

@XplodingUnicorn

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.

@qwertying

It’s called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

@Dutch_50

A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.

@BoomBoomBetty

The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.

@E_lok44

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

@BrandonBrown522

Paranoid? I don’t even know what that word means. I don’t have time to learn new words, people are trying to kill me.

@Quartzjixler

“Why do you hate me?”

– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon

@internetluke

[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really

@TheBoydP

“Change is never easy…”

~McDonalds employees

@YourKyness

Some guy commented on my all-black outfit today: “So whose funeral is it?”
I told him I haven decided yet.