me: I’ll take this goth pear

cashier: that’s an avocado

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My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.


It’s called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.


A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.


The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.


Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.


Paranoid? I don’t even know what that word means. I don’t have time to learn new words, people are trying to kill me.


“Why do you hate me?”

– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon


[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really


“Change is never easy…”

~McDonalds employees


Some guy commented on my all-black outfit today: “So whose funeral is it?”
I told him I haven decided yet.