me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
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My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*