me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
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never forget
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)