Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark

Tobacco causes Cancer

Alcohol causes Dancer

Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

Son: Facebook is for old people.

Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree

The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides

[phone]

H: What’s for dinner?

M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.

H: Should I stop and get something?

M: Yes, more vodka.

Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.

girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.

Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.

My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice

If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.

It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.

*Facebook down*

Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories

People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”

Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure

No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.

*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*

Does this smell funny?

My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.

What do you call an upset reindeer?

Caribou-hoo.

*Ba-dum-tsss

Husband: I love you.

Me: I have a boyfriend.

“You can hide but you can’t run,”

– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family

♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.