Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps

Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it

lumberjacks will cut a birch

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*

Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”

Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?

Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.

whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work

[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?

[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]

Me: It’s muggy out there.

Guy: I’ll be fine.

*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.

M: Told you.

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours

Sloth: Uh oh

I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.

who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day

Overall productive day..

*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist

I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.

Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.

wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]

me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet

landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”

me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.

landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!

Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?

My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.

This is me 🤣🤣

*me flirting

my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

Overheard at the pool:

Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?

*long pause*

3 year old: a cat

News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”

Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”

“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said

“Engage with the wider community”, they said

“You have the right to remain silent”, they said

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no