Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”

No one heard her.

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger

[date]

HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?

ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.

Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”

Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”

Cop: …

How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee

My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”

Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”

My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”

My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.

Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?

Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.

Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac

Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”

HR reminds us to proof read before sending

A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.

GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*

20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—

40: wtf just happened

When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.

I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great

Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is “redacted”

KID: ████████

JUDGE: correct

I’m a go getter

And right now I’m a go getter nap

My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.

I self medicate, therefore you live.

The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute

Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.

Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.