Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”

It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.

Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.

Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.

“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.

technique

I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??

Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar

Me: Who’s a good boy?

Dog: I thought we settled this.

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool

wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”

ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.

STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.

Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.

Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park

oh u like me? name 5 meds i take

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.

*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here

Said the murderer.

Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.

It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.

“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY

Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:

Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK