Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one. The dead body one
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My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Just why bro?!
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys