Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Fat lady goes to the zoo]

Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?

Bear – It looks like your mom

Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol

It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.

Good dog. ❤️

*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*

HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*

birds and squirrels envy us

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look

Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.

Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection

what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat

Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now

Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?

Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door

We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.

I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.

I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂

Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.

Bad news: I’m not wearing them.

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe

WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

genie: you have three wishes

me: i want 1000 ants to protect me

genie: you got it

me: psychic ants

genie: uh ok

me: make them as big as a blue whale

genie: dude what’s wrong with you

Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?

Tomato: No.

Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

13: Can I have the password for Amazon?

Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?

13: Yep

Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S

That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned

THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.

Pat is about to own someone

Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

Me when the elevator tries to leave without me