Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one. The dead body one
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[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
Ken is short for chicken
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.