Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
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I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
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It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically