the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
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Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?