Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.

Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search

My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.

In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.

I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.

Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.

Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL

babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad

True.

My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.

When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.

Neither of us has slept in 16 years.

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]

me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT

They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.

DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him

THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that

DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand

[Titantic sinks]

Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?

Rose: [door lock noise]

[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.

Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?

Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?

I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again

im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand

Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it

Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.

– Dog Logic

Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd

Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.