ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
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*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
And now we wait
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.