ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
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Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
This raises questions
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?