Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
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Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
I’ve got two, maybe three, quests left in me, but only if someone carries my horse.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.