@Proxic0n

Me: I’m a haredresser

Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?

Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?

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@gwatts77

Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.

@AimeeHelene1

Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.

But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.

@GingerFactor

No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.

I feel a bit deprived…….

@drugleaf

the only proof i have that there is a god is that one time i saw a dude in a “Bazinga” shirt get into a car and drive directly into a tree

@Brampersandon_

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

@JPHaddadio

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

@EJGomez

one time this girl pulled me close & said “I’m the girl your mom warned you about” & I said “so you chose bulbasaur as your starter pokemon”