Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
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Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”