Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.

“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”

[first day as undercover cop]

me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines

mobster:

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.

After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.

Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.

Me: It’s going to be a great day!

Life: Yeah, about that…

Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.

Murder Hornets: ok boomer

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that

[me on Ellen}

Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions

Me: that’s right Ellen

Cashier: “Have a great day!”

Me: “No thank you.”

i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

Me: [fails Captcha test]

Captcha: haha goptcha

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.

Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?

Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

cashier: have a nice day

me: i got other plans, buddy

My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.

I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil

I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.

Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”

Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”

Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie