Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
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[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
you will never know the true number of layers
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.