Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”

-the new GPS app from Allrecipes

I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…

Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.

I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.

Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype

Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem

You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.

I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.

At least he tried.. twice.. 😅

My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?

I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.

Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Ffs

Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams

Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.

Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.

Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people

Date: everything ok?

Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife

Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?

Me: tonight if you play your cards right

Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?

me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.

I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way

Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.

Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.

Receives a compliment

Me: no sorry we don’t do that here

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??