Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
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[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?