Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
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My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Every time my phone rings
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “