Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.

Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else

I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts

here we go again

*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No

Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.

Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins

Me: i’m taking a plane Linda

How tf did it end up there?

We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.

[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”

Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop

“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”

Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?

When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼‍♂️

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program

ME: I’ll do it

FBI: Your wife and kids too

ME: Never mind

Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird

Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity

Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.

Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.

one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

For the baby who has everything

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.

in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism

My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”

My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–