Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
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[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”