Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys

YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?

Child protective services?

Who’s protecting the parents Huh?

WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?

Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal

Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”

the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame

I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.

*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*

What are you doing!?

W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here

BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*

What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?

A Parenting Story

Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

[mission]

CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?

ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work

CMDR: What? Let me see

ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink

Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.

[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]

Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.

I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷‍♀️

If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge

Cop: License and registration

Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec