Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator

There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives

Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.

3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.

So the weekend is off to a great start.

I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.

Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?

Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life

Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.

I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”

NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…

Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.

Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”

Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…

..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die

Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.

Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…

[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)

One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.

People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel