Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
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My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”