Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?

Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here

Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.

I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.

If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.

I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them

WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again

ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew

I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.

when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.

Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?

8, peering closely at me: what’s that?

Me: my necklace

8: How do you know?

When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position

9: Whatcha watching?

Me: Tiny Houses.

9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?

Me: Two people.

9: Are they married?

Me: Not for long.

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.

just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

6-year-old: Is it cold outside?

Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.

6: I should stay home.

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.

*Me making playground small talk with other parents*

“Congrats on the sex bro”

‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.

Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.

Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.

I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead

If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.