Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
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[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
This is sending me to another galaxy
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.