Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So, what’s the plan?”

“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”

Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?

Me: I struck down a Jedi.

W: god I hate you.

M: yes, use your hate

*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*

“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”

Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*

Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.

80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.

Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.

I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.

Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority

You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding

I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”

No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”

[Garden of Eden]

Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend

Eve: I thought I was your best friend?

Adam: I love you

Eve: aww I love you too

Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog

The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos

#parenting

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805

My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.

Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha

If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water

hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws

If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore

toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil

Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.

Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.

Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.

Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!

– RL partying sounds so violent

#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.

Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?