Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄

Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”

I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me

“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.

I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.

Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever

sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husband.

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger

YI:

Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite

Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?

watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence

at least we don’t have to save for college

Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right

Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.

“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”

Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!

-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers

Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.

[restaurant]

ME: My compliments to the chef.

WAITER: I’ll certainly..

ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.

One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV

Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.

Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil

My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.

[marketing meeting]

Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?

The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children

GM✌🏻

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now