Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
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6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.