Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
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I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”
🤣😈🤣
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
From Facebook just now…
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.