Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?

Take away its tiny brooms 🧹

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!

Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi

When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.

That’s the moment you wish you had kids.

my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]

me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT

That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti

8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.

Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.

9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.

In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.

This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃

Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.

Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”

[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”

Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.

*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco

my lower back watching me try to live my life

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”

the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack

I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”