Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
“A little help here, Danny?”
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶