ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
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I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter