Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.

We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.

A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.

Credit: Orawan Thongchinda

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show

Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking

A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent

I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order

What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.

I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.

That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.

Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State

[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that

I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.

If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks

If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home

Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder

7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait

I just need a shovel and a good alibi.

[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.

Donkey I Shreked the Kids

Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.

11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.

me: first off – get out of my house.

I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”