Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The game has officially changed 😎

My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.

Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.

excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”

Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.

I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!

Him: Are you perioding?

Me: Are you deathwishing?

i’m a 10 (tion deficit)

Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.

I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

[stranded on Mars journal]

day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days

day 2: I ate rob

“get a dog” they said

“it’ll be fun” they said

yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard

I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips

Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.

IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.

Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.

[bursts into garage]

“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”

i’m trying to kill myself

“but you drive an electric car”

i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.

me: I challenge you to a fish fight

them: you mean fist fight?

Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no

Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.

I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”

[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”

Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*

Pirate Lois Lane: OMG