ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
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“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.