ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
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Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
How to make infinite energy.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
🤔😂😂
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
Monday?
No. Next question.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)