Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”

date: what do you do?

me: i’m a filmmaker.

date: oh what’s that like?

me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.

Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.

If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.

Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking

Me: I will one day

Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here

was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught

Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.

I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”

My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.

going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

“Come out of your shell” they said.

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.

-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.

A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.

“When I was your age, I already owned a house”

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie

I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)

I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”

Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over

It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”

Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.

My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.