Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
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I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
How to draw a duck
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.