Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

*on blind date*

Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?

Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!

Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?

Breaking news:

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery

Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness

Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.

I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community

So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:

6lb11oz!

Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.

Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”

no, no… I don’t want to be a burden

– me being a total burden

Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.

Still writing HBO Max on my checks

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: here? with you?

I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.

“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf

This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway

Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you

“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up