Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
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My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.