Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
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90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
so i’m at the stock market right
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.