Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
You Might Also Like
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.