Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.

“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”

-Me, breaking up a cat fight.

Me: WHOOMP! there it is.

Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.

I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.

It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,

Kids: We’re hungry!

M: Dinner when mum gets home

K: She’s away for a week

M: OK, when I’m done tweeting

K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…

Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.

We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”

My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!

PLEASE do not tell my husband

I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.

~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic

[running amok in flames]

WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?

My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.

I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied

People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.

I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me

‘Just Do It (Yourself)’

NIKEA

First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.

ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish

CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!

Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*

I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.

Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.

…No, YOU shut up.

If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!