Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us

this sign has the same social anxiety i have

me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok

I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.

My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money

blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus

It’s that simple 👊🏻

went to the frame shop. as I waited in dread to hear what it would cost, I closed my eyes and thought of a ridiculously high number and fixated on it so the real number, whatever it was, would come as a relief. but the real number was A HUNDRED DOLLARS HIGHER

[in bed]

Me: Don’t you love being on top?

Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind

Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.

There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.

“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”

Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.

How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?

Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?

9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.

Me: ok..

9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma

Me: ok so

9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something

Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.

sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes

Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.

[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]

Thug: This is an arm robbery!

Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?

Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope

RIDDLER: What has–

BATMAN: A gazebo

ROBIN: Matches

RIDDLER: Let me finish-

BM: A paperweight

R: Dental floss

RIDDLER: I hate you guys

I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂

Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”

8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.

Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.

Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.

Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”

The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne