Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.

really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context

[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]

*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*

People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan

[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?

A woof in sheep’s clothing.

Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”

Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.

If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs

Can we not just call it Zealand now?

a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands

You had me at “define legal”.

how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?

I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread

Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me

If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”