Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?

When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.

Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion

How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?

“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park

host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]

Microwave:
Me: *waves back*

Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”

Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater

“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”

can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)

You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.

*looks at calendar*

*looks at stomach*

*looks at calendar*

Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.

An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.

I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”

Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.

90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.

Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.

Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.

Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.

Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.

My dad: Please let me speak to him.

Kidnapper: He’s here.

My dad: You left the fan on, again.

I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?