Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.

Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*

me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished

CEO: yeah. like, twenty times

me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-

CEO: TWENTY TIMES

me: but-

CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.

Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.

Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?

14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.

He’s been off for 17 days.

Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t

Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG

Me trying to reach for my goals

I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for

“I got you, babe.”

– kidnappers

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn

transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK

Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.

Good news: I’m going to live to 157.

Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed

Cat owners: I took garbage out one night

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out

I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”

My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”

“Live each day like it’s your last”

Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone

Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.

Feels like the fourth month in January

I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.

Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.