Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.

Anyone want some garlic banana bread?

And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.

Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.

Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)

6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?

Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!

6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!

ME: I wish I could fix this problem

SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-

ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…

excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs

Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.

I’m serious

The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.

The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!

My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.

[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese

90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*

Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today

[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine

Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.

My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.

I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.

Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.

I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest

I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul

My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked

Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two

so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥

Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u