me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
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I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Lol
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Oh my God.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’